Avoidant Attachment Explained: Signs, Causes, and How It Changes

What avoidant attachment is

Attachment researchers measure two dimensions. Avoidance is discomfort with closeness and with depending on others; anxiety is worry about rejection and a partner’s availability. The ECR-R questionnaire (R. Chris Fraley, Niels Waller and Kelly Brennan, 2000) measures avoidance with statements such as “I prefer not to show a partner how I feel deep down” and “I get uncomfortable when a romantic partner wants to be very close.”

In Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver’s first adult study (1987), about a quarter of respondents described themselves as avoidant. Kim Bartholomew and Leonard Horowitz (1991) then split avoidance into two styles based on how people see themselves and others.

Because both dimensions are continuous, many people are moderately avoidant rather than clearly one type. The attachment style test explains how the two scores combine.

Signs of avoidant attachment

Mario Mikulincer and Phillip Shaver call the avoidant approach a deactivating strategy: when attachment needs come up, the system turns them down. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller’s book Attached (2010) lists everyday versions. Common signs:

In dating

• Interest that cools as the other person becomes more available.
• Focusing on a new partner’s small flaws, or comparing them with an idealized ex.
• Keeping plans loose and options open well into a relationship.

In long relationships

• Pulling back after a close weekend or a milestone.
• Discomfort when a partner is upset, shown as fixing, minimizing or leaving the room.
• Withdrawing during conflict and coming back as if nothing happened.
• Strong preference for handling problems alone, including health or money problems.

At work

In their 1990 study of love and work, Hazan and Shaver found avoidant respondents said they used work as a way to avoid social interaction. Many avoidant people are reliable, independent colleagues who simply prefer not to need anyone.

What is happening underneath

From the outside, avoidance can look like not caring. The lab evidence says otherwise. Mary Dozier and Roger Kobak (1992) measured skin conductance during attachment interviews and found that people using deactivating strategies showed rising physiological arousal when asked about separation and rejection, even while their answers stayed calm.

R. Chris Fraley and Phillip Shaver (1997) found avoidant people were good at suppressing thoughts about a partner leaving. Mikulincer, Dolev and Shaver (2004) showed the limit: when people also had to hold a demanding mental task, the suppressed thoughts came back, along with negative views of themselves. Avoidance works as a defense until stress uses up the capacity it depends on.

Where it comes from

Mary Ainsworth’s infant studies (Ainsworth and colleagues, 1978) linked the avoidant pattern to caregivers who were consistently uncomfortable with a child’s bids for comfort. A child who learns that showing distress pushes people away learns to stop showing it. R. Chris Fraley’s 2002 meta-analysis found only moderate stability from infancy to adulthood, so adult experiences, such as a partner who used closeness to control, can build or reinforce avoidance later.

How avoidant attachment changes

If it is your pattern

1. Notice the exit. Learn your version of stepping back: getting busy, going quiet, finding fault. Name it to yourself when it starts.
2. Announce breaks instead of disappearing. “I need 30 minutes, then I’ll come back to this” keeps your space and your partner’s trust. John Gottman’s research on flooding during conflict supports breaks of at least 20 minutes.
3. Practice one small disclosure a week. Share a worry or a need before it is urgent. Small, low-stakes disclosures build tolerance for closeness.
4. Separate autonomy from distance. Ask for the specific independence you need, such as a night a week to yourself, instead of keeping the whole relationship at arm’s length.

If it is your partner’s pattern

Nickola Overall, Jeffry Simpson and Helena Struthers (2013) found that when partners softened their requests, by acknowledging the avoidant partner’s view and keeping pressure low, avoidant partners became less angry and withdrawn during conflict and more open to change. Practical versions:

• Make one specific request at a time, and lead with what is working.
• Give space with a set time to reconnect, rather than chasing or going cold yourself.
• Keep big conversations short, with a clear end point.

If you are anxiously attached yourself, the pursue-withdraw loop is likely; see how to feel more secure with anxious attachment and the couples guide.

With a therapist

Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Sue Johnson, is built on attachment theory and gives avoidant partners a structured, paced way to stay in emotional conversations. Individual therapy works well for fearful avoidance, where the anxiety side often needs attention first.

How Depth Profile measures it

The free Relationship DNA assessment includes ECR-R-style avoidance and anxiety statements rated from 1 to 5 and a conflict scenario. Withdrawing after a conflict counts toward avoidance. Each dimension is scored from 0 to 100, and scoring 50 or above on avoidance places you in one of the two avoidant styles, depending on your anxiety score. The Full Depth Report ($19) reads the pattern alongside your Big Five traits and your conflict style. Counselors working with several couples can use the Coach Pack.